I have really needed you here ,and no one will ever understand the relationship we had.We did not have your basic mother & daughter relationship.We had much more then that,We had a bond that could not break.As my threapist says it best,"It's like a closeness like indentical twins share."We look alike yes but this goes much deeper then that.We were mother & daughter but also best friends & in a sister like way also.We have shared everything together & When you passed on December. 22nd,2005 (part of me died along with you).People may not understand the connection that we had,but it ran deep because we emotionally leaned on one another always.And now there are days that go by ,when sometimes,I feel as if I am not whole anymore.My heart aches with pain ,my soul feels lost ,a pain unbearable, tummy hurts(feels raw),& I just want to talk to you.Why can't I get the answers from you,your so far away and you said you would never leave me.Why can't I find someone to help me ,the way you did ,mom?It's so scary in this great big world & not being able to ask you to help guide me,that has to be the scariest.I do not like trying to do this all on my on.I mean ,it's not your fault ,but I wish I had the answers.It makes me feel as if I am pulling away from other people because ,I am scared to ever get that close to anyone ,for they may be taken away too.I thought our bond would last even through your passing but I feel so lost.I know that I have to learn how to love myself ,as much as you loved me but not sure how to do it mom.I am only praying that as I write this letter to you ,Thats maybe your watching me & reading it yourself.It is the only hope ,I have left that we will always have our bond.I remember you always taught me to Love ! That's one thing I have that I will always have of you,is the ability to love & care for others.I thank you for that lesson and all the lesson's and advice given to me.I have days that I can smile & put on a happy face when really deep down ,I am crying on the inside.I try to explain to others how much I miss you ,but Mom I really do not think they can even come close to knowing.I look to you for everything & every answer & now what do I do ,since your no longer here for me to talk to.We use to talk every day & at least 4 or 5 times a day ,If not maybe more.We were always there for each other ,no matter what it was or what time of day it was.I remember calling you at 2 am sometimes and vise versa.We always had one another to lean on & now I am alone ,in that.I miss you so bad mom,It's December and thus far I have done a good job on fixing up the house,getting it ready for Christmas.I am keeping my self so busy ,and trying not to let myself get depressed this time.You were always so big on having family togetherness and on making it a great Christmas.I have been trying to do more with Taylor ,as I have noticed she 's growing up on me to quick.She's so beautiful,caring & sweet.She loves you and she misses you too lots.She always says'Grammy was always so good to me .And you see I know that you were a great woman ,so many people have said that to me.I am glad you were my mom and showed me how to love.But,If you can mom ,I need a sign from you.I just need to know that you can hear me.I pray that God let's you show me some kind of a sign.I also thank God everyday for letting you be my mom.I love you with every beat of my heart & every ounce of my soul!I will always miss you until the day we meet again.
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